Something to be thankful for ...

Being given a large amount of time and a wonderful and beautiful source of inspiration, I have managed to create some art for me. As I manage to stave off emotions that I wish and hope would just go away, it feels good to be able to use my mind, much like Johnan Vasquez' character, Devi, from "I Feel Sick." I sometimes feel like my mind is going to waste and its being devoured by something otherworldly for its own devious purposes in its state of uselessness. I hate that feeling. It feel great to be able to break away from that monotonous state and actually do something creative and beautiful and freeing.


Blossoms


Gift For Leia

Ironically, I never thought I would have done faery art. Not that I don't enjoy faery-lore or the like. Quite the opposite, actually. Just, most of the artwork I create, is usually either comic art, or something slightly more "psychological" or something with a deeper or more sentimental meaning. Although, my muse did have a hand in the subject matter used with these two works of art. So, yeah, there is something a bit more personal and possibly sentimental about these two works. What I do appreciate most about creating these works is the fact that a very long dry spell has been broken. If not for the wonderful artists that helped by contributing the different elements used in these works and deviant art community we all belong to, and my muse, my inspiration, my personal distraction and love, Leia, I might very well still be in this dry spell, letting my personal demons get the best of me, taking away what creativity that I have left in this over-dramatic, self-deprecating mind of mine. And yes, I exaggerate, for a reason. I do tend to be over-dramatic at times, and, lets face it, if I begin to take myself to seriously, I might as well be boring. Who wants to be boring?

And, as usual, I have gone off on yet another tangent that has strayed me from my point. Despite my personal demons, and realizations about me and where I am and where I really want to be, I have so much to be thankful for: my creative, stubborn, fighting spirit, my art and music, and most particularly, those who have stood by me, especially when I needed them, and didn't want them, more so when I wanted them and didn't really need them. You all rock! So much of who I discovered that I am, and continue to do so, is due in part to you, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Izzy

The Cost of Being a Responisble Parent

I am a divorced father. My ex-wife and I have a good and civil relationship. Yes, we did fight at first, blamed each other for the problems we had while we were married, but we have never used our son against each other. We understood the fact that our child was important to the both of us and he should not be used as a leverage tool against each other. It is unfair of either of us to use him in such a way.

When our divorce was finalized earlier this year, I understood my responsibilities as a parent. I understand the fact that I have to pay child support. Not only is it my responsibility, but it is my right as a father to ensure that my son is being taken care, by any means necessary. I have never taken that responsibility lightly, and I call my ex-wife to ensure that has been receiving my payments, on a regular schedule. Yet, when I received a letter sent by the Office of the Attorney General, I was taken back. I have been accused of being a dead-beat father. I, supposedly, owe over $16,000 in back child support for something that dates back to years before my divorce. Regardless of how many times I have called to inquire about, or to have something done about it, I get the run around, being told that they would look into the matter. Yet, three months later, my wages are still being garnished for more money than I have to pay, on top of being reported to the credit bureaus and the Internal Revenue Service. Financially, I have been ruined more so by this matter than my actual divorce itself. My name has been slandered for a mistake that the OAG refuses to acknowledge and remedy.

For someone who values family above all else, and has taken his responsibility very seriously, I find it irresponsible for an agency who sole duty is to uphold the law and to enforce the decisions made by the courts to not only allow this to happen, but to cause such a problem and ignore the fact that they are wrong. What makes this situation even more ridiculous is the fact that my ex-wife, who is benefits from their mistakes, has gone to them, several times, with copies of our divorce decree, insisting that they fix the problem. Yet, the problem has not been fixed. I am still having my wages garnished for more money than I am supposed to pay, making it difficult for me to pay my bills. I have not received, nor will I receive, the Tax Rebate from the IRS, because I have been deemed a child support evader. I will not be able to find a reasonable place to live, since I have been reported to have an outstanding criminal debt.

It sometimes seems like I now have the stigma of being a criminal because I have to pay child support. The fact of the matter is that I am not a criminal. I should not be treated like one. The real criminals are the OAG for not only causing this mess and refusing to remedy it, but also in the fact that they made false reports about this incident. When someone calls the police and makes a false report, they get arrested for obstruction of justice or some similar charge. Yet, when the OAG makes a similar claim to not only public offices but federal ones, as well, nothing happens to them. I find this mere fact ridiculous. The OAG should not only be held responsible, but also be held liable for any damages that they have caused.

Amazing Sight

I just saw the most amazing sight. I was outside smoking a cigarette, and one of my neighbors was out walking his dogs. I thought nothing of it at first. They were walking, and about two minutes later a cat was walking, well, more like prancing down the street behind them. It first looked the cat was trying to keep her distance from the man and his dogs, but, when he returned with his dogs, the cat was walking, side by side with him and the dogs. It was the most amazing sight. Two creatures, natural enemies, walking side by side, enjoying the night air. And its not like they were all about the same size. The dogs were mastiffs. The cat, a tomcat. Yet, there they were. walking together like friends.

I think to myself, wow, to see animals, walking together with no fear, nor animosity towards each other, yet, us, the most intelligent species on this planet, and we can’t seem to get along with each other to save our own lives. We have uncovered advanced mathematics, put a monkey in space, a man on the moon, discovered ways to help control our fears and emotions, yet, we lack the intelligence to understand one another. We learned to use this intelligence to discover faster more efficient ways of killing each other. Is it that we lack the intelligence? Or the patience to deal with people who think, look, act, and are just different than ourselves? We feel the incessant need to control everything and everyone, disregarding what they think, feel, or believe. Why? I still don’t know. I don’t think I ever will.

We go on, blaming everyone for our problems, taking no responsibility for our actions. My dog ate my homework; my mom didn’t wake me up; hey, it’s not my fault, satan made me do it! He looked at me wrong, so I killed him. She called me a slut, so me and my friends beat her up. Give me a fucking break. The best one, yet. Iraq is harboring terrorists, so, we’re going to invade, take over, and put ourselves into a situation that we can’t get out of, regardless of how much we want to. We allow ourselves to be lied to, and yet all we do is blame the politician who lied to us. When we get fed up with the lies, we start to cry 1st amendment violations when we don’t follow the rules.

Don’t get me a wrong. I am a firm believer in the freedom of press, speech, and religion, and everything else the 1st Amendment grants us. And it upsets me that the Supreme Court denies these very rights to the students attending high schools! It is important that someone, particularly the young, feel safe and trusts the system that we have. The US Constitution doesn’t start with "We the People, who are of voting age." It starts with "We the people, of the United States of America." It is very all-inclusive. So, why are we denying these basic rights to high school students? The same reason that parents blame the teachers when their children are reported as behavioral problems. No one is teaching them responsibility. No one understands the basic principle that with great freedom, comes great responsibility. We need to understand that our actions affect everyone around us. What we say, what we do, how we act; we are not machines programmed to ignore ill-willed actions or comments. Yes, we need to stand up for what we believe. Yes, we need to say what we feel is wrong. Yes, we need to act against those who threaten us. But what we say and do will have a greater impact than most can foresee.

Every action has a equal and opposite reaction. Newton’s Law. It can be applied to more than just physics. But it can also be manipulated. By controlling how we think, what we say, how we act, and ultimately react, we can contort, twist, and form any situation into something that mutually favorable for everyone involved. By teaching understanding and responsibility, we not only teach someone to be a "model citizen," but we also teach them compassion. We teach them that ideas are not dangerous, regardless of what the people without them say. We teach them that resistance is healthy, revolution is necessary. Not a revolution of arms, but of ideas. Once we stop resisting, we stop thinking. We might as well give into the lies they feed us to shut us up. We might as well not bother seeing past the smoke and mirrors, as they prominently put on stage show for out entertainment. The moment we stop being angry, the moment we stop feeling.

Peaceful monks day, everyday it seems, for the freedom to practice the compassion and "good" feelings their teacher taught them. Yet, in another part of the world, soldiers die for lies their leaders told them to believe. Students die for protesting ideas their government force on them, while other students get beat up for calling fellow classmates for making disparaging comments. We have grown to take our freedoms for granted, either giving it away as though they did not matter, or using it as a phrase to hide behind. We have a right to question, we have a right to rebel, we have a right to resist. But we must remember that what we do affects everyone around us and we have to understand how that impacts everything we do.

OK, I think I need to get off of my soapbox now. I’m starting to lose my train of through.

Life is not meaningless

I lost two of my cats earlier today. One of them, Winter, I buried her sister last year. The other was Caly's son, Artemis. I wish I could say that I felt the same as when I found Caly's lifeless body. Yes, I was sad. I cried. I raised these two cats since they were kittens. They were my children.

But I was also angry. I kept on thinking about how they died. They were attacked by another animal. A dog, from the size of the wounds. I was so angry about how people blissfully neglect their animals to let them run loose, whenever, how ever, no restraints, no leash, nothing. And to make matters worse, they don't even care to train their animal.

Yes, I can understand the need for a guard dog, but you know what? Guard dogs are trained to do what they do. I obey commands, they do what their handler tells them to do. They don't just run off whenever they want to run off and cause havoc, because they can. People need to be held responsible for the actions of their pets. They are a lot like children, that need to be trained and nurtured and disciplined, so that they act responsibly at all times. If they can't or won't be held responsible enough to train their dogs to act properly, then they should own dogs.

I had a dog, Lobo, who, yes I admit, was a bit rambunctious, but he was well behaved. The only time he ever growled at anyone was when my son was outside and someone he didn't know was in the same area that my son was. He was very protective of my son, but he never bit anyone, or hurt anyone. Why? Because I would train my dog to behave. He sat when he was told to sit. He wouldn't move when he was told to stay. He was well behaved because we took the time to train him.

Sure, he was hand-full. When I would take out for walks, he had a tendency to run, but he was a puppy. It took a lot to make him understand that there were things that he could and couldn't do.

But he learned.

Not a day goes by, that I hear about some kid, a jogger, or some other poor bastard that gets attacked by a dog just because they got too close to them. Or that I hear about some Michael Vick wannabe gets chewed to death by the very animal that they are training to fight. Or gets sued because their dog hurts someone. What the f*ck do you expect? You have a poorly socialized creature that thinks that this is acceptable behavior! You create a monster, and expect to be blameless?! You allow this animal to act the way he does and not expect some kind of repercussion?! What are you a f*ckin' idiot?! This can be easily equated with leaving a loaded gun in a child reach and then expecting not to be blamed when the poor bastard shoots someone. What the hell do expect is going to happen?!

It angers me to know that there are people who so thoughtless to the fact that life, regardless of who's it is, that would they allow something like this to happen. Life is not meaningless. Life is precious. We need to appreciate the fact that it doesn't matter if that life is four legged and barely a foot off of the ground, of two legged and as tall as 7 ft, life is precious.

Seed Planter

Although this may seem like a homage to a very good friend of mine, considering he is known as Seed Planter, this is really about two lessons he tried to teach me. The thing about Seed Planter is that, for a while, he never understood why he was the seed planter. He always thought of himself as a really good story teller. While I won't deny him that, because he is an awesome story teller, but I realize why he is the seed planter. He was able to explain things about the Universe, the Great Beyond, and life in general through story, much like how are "Native American" ancestors taught their young. He is indeed the Seed Planter by instilling wisdom of the ages through what he does best; telling a great story.

I was recently thinking about this after a conversation with one of my best friends who stated that we, in this day and age have no real philosophers, much like those of Ancient Greece. We only have people who talk about philosophers. I pointed out someone who is very influential in a lot of people's lives; the Dali Lama.

Yet, I also remembered a story that Seed Planter once told me about how a young eagle was hunting for his food and spots a running jack rabbit out in a open field. Now this eagle is thinking "there is my dinner. I must catch him before I starve." And off into the sky he rises and quickly goes into a dive after the rabbit. The rabbit sees his fate and runs as quickly as he can into the nearest form of shelter. The young eagle misses his prey and flies back to his perch to find another source of food. He accepts the fact that this rabbit was too fast for him and moves on to find something else, hopefully easier, to catch.

Quite a simple a story, if you think about it. Not much to it, but it is easy to understand the moral of this story. Something else that Seed Planter gave to me was an anecdote from Carlos Castaneda. This one is a bit more down to earth, in a manner of speaking.

You see, Carlos and Don Juan were walking through the desert on one of their journeys. This was a lifeless desert where water, much less vegetation of any kind, was no where to be seen. They have been walking for days with no shade from the sun, just walking and walking. They walked past a mountain ridge where out of nowhere, a giant tree stood, with bright green leaves and branches that seemed to stretch out for miles. Carlos stood in shock. He couldn't believe nor understand how this tree was able to survive out in a lifeless desert. He went on and on about how they have been traveling for days and seen no sign of life, no water, not even a dry arroyo, and yet, here stood this magnificent tree.

"How could this be?" asks Carlos.

"Pues pendejo, it's for shade!" replied Don Juan, as he sat under the tree and fell asleep.

We often find ourselves rationalizing and questioning things that doesn't come easily explained, and more often than not, things that are, that we often overlook the obvious. We fail to accept that things happen, despite how or why we believe they should happen. To put into more modern terms, this is a prime example of Occam's Razor: the simplest solution is often the right one. Although, this is not exactly what William of Ockham quite meant by this, it is the best way to explain this in modern terms. Once you see past the glitz and glamour of the outer reality, inner perception kicks in and we understand that once we accept what we see, understanding it is inevitable. Like the eagle who failed to catch his meal, he didn't cry and moan about not catching that rabbit. He accepted it as his reality and moved on to something else that he could catch.

These were lessons that were taught to me many years ago, though unfortunately, it took me quite some time to fully understand. I thank Seed Planter for telling me these stories, for now, they helped to put me on the path that I am not walking on.

Here's To Friendship

I have never noticed, or maybe it's just that I was so wrapped up in my problems that I was oblivious to this fact, how many true friends I have. In these past few days, I have been bombarded with "I'm sorry things are this way for you," and "If you need me, I'm here" that it has been a bit overwhelming. But I welcome the friendship and support that has been offered and given.

I have known so many of you for such a long time. Some of you I know from High School, some of you from College, and some of you I have met more recently. Some of you, I have only known on this online world, and some of you, I have the pleasure of calling you "Brother," both literally and figuratively. Some of you have known me all my life, in one fasion or another. One or two of you, whether you know it or not, I have had the utmost pleasure in falling in love with you, and after all this time, I can still call you friend.

But whoever you are, however we have met, no matter what our relationship was in the past, I appreciate everything that you have been to me. Whether you are family, friends, fraternity brothers, past lovers, or someone I used to play in a band with, and you know who you are, you will always mean something to me, and you will always have a place my heart. Thank you for your support in these hard times, and I will always be here for you, too.

Brand New Day

Not to plagiarise Sting, but today certainly was a brand new day. Despite the fact that McDonald's ripped me off for a cup of coffee, if you want to call it coffee, and the fact that when I got out of work, I had a flat, everything went better than I had expected.

First day on the new job and I had my first assignment. Of course, when the ads are already built for you, it is easy to swap text or images out as needed, but I did get a new challenge. You will all get to see my handy work in the Real Estate section of the Brownsville Herald this Sunday. And yes, there is a online edition.

Needless to say, contrary to how things have been these last few months, with the isolation and abandon, the anger, the sadness, and general moodiness and depression, I am stable. I am confident. I am happy with how things have turned. This may just be the meds talking, but I don't think I would have gotten the job at the paper if I was still feeling like how I was a month ago. The heavens know that I was having a hard enough time dealing with getting up in the morning, much less having to sit through an interview with a potential employer.

I only wish I had my son here to enjoy this new found hope. He would be the only thing that would make what was a totally awesome day, into a, dare I say, more awesomer day. We shall see what the future may bring. After all, tomorrow will be a brand new day.