Monday, November 5, 2007

Seed Planter



Although this may seem like a homage to a very good friend of mine, considering he is known as Seed Planter, this is really about two lessons he tried to teach me. The thing about Seed Planter is that, for a while, he never understood why he was the seed planter. He always thought of himself as a really good story teller. While I won't deny him that, because he is an awesome story teller, but I realize why he is the seed planter. He was able to explain things about the Universe, the Great Beyond, and life in general through story, much like how are "Native American" ancestors taught their young. He is indeed the Seed Planter by instilling wisdom of the ages through what he does best; telling a great story.

I was recently thinking about this after a conversation with one of my best friends who stated that we, in this day and age have no real philosophers, much like those of Ancient Greece. We only have people who talk about philosophers. I pointed out someone who is very influential in a lot of people's lives; the Dali Lama.

Yet, I also remembered a story that Seed Planter once told me about how a young eagle was hunting for his food and spots a running jack rabbit out in a open field. Now this eagle is thinking "there is my dinner. I must catch him before I starve." And off into the sky he rises and quickly goes into a dive after the rabbit. The rabbit sees his fate and runs as quickly as he can into the nearest form of shelter. The young eagle misses his prey and flies back to his perch to find another source of food. He accepts the fact that this rabbit was too fast for him and moves on to find something else, hopefully easier, to catch.

Quite a simple a story, if you think about it. Not much to it, but it is easy to understand the moral of this story. Something else that Seed Planter gave to me was an anecdote from Carlos Castaneda. This one is a bit more down to earth, in a manner of speaking.

You see, Carlos and Don Juan were walking through the desert on one of their journeys. This was a lifeless desert where water, much less vegetation of any kind, was no where to be seen. They have been walking for days with no shade from the sun, just walking and walking. They walked past a mountain ridge where out of nowhere, a giant tree stood, with bright green leaves and branches that seemed to stretch out for miles. Carlos stood in shock. He couldn't believe nor understand how this tree was able to survive out in a lifeless desert. He went on and on about how they have been traveling for days and seen no sign of life, no water, not even a dry arroyo, and yet, here stood this magnificent tree.

"How could this be?" asks Carlos.

"Pues pendejo, it's for shade!" replied Don Juan, as he sat under the tree and fell asleep.

We often find ourselves rationalizing and questioning things that doesn't come easily explained, and more often than not, things that are, that we often overlook the obvious. We fail to accept that things happen, despite how or why we believe they should happen. To put into more modern terms, this is a prime example of Occam's Razor: the simplest solution is often the right one. Although, this is not exactly what William of Ockham quite meant by this, it is the best way to explain this in modern terms. Once you see past the glitz and glamour of the outer reality, inner perception kicks in and we understand that once we accept what we see, understanding it is inevitable. Like the eagle who failed to catch his meal, he didn't cry and moan about not catching that rabbit. He accepted it as his reality and moved on to something else that he could catch.

These were lessons that were taught to me many years ago, though unfortunately, it took me quite some time to fully understand. I thank Seed Planter for telling me these stories, for now, they helped to put me on the path that I am not walking on.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Here's To Friendship

I have never noticed, or maybe it's just that I was so wrapped up in my problems that I was oblivious to this fact, how many true friends I have. In these past few days, I have been bombarded with "I'm sorry things are this way for you," and "If you need me, I'm here" that it has been a bit overwhelming. But I welcome the friendship and support that has been offered and given.

I have known so many of you for such a long time. Some of you I know from High School, some of you from College, and some of you I have met more recently. Some of you, I have only known on this online world, and some of you, I have the pleasure of calling you "Brother," both literally and figuratively. Some of you have known me all my life, in one fasion or another. One or two of you, whether you know it or not, I have had the utmost pleasure in falling in love with you, and after all this time, I can still call you friend.

But whoever you are, however we have met, no matter what our relationship was in the past, I appreciate everything that you have been to me. Whether you are family, friends, fraternity brothers, past lovers, or someone I used to play in a band with, and you know who you are, you will always mean something to me, and you will always have a place my heart. Thank you for your support in these hard times, and I will always be here for you, too.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Brand New Day

Not to plagiarise Sting, but today certainly was a brand new day. Despite the fact that McDonald's ripped me off for a cup of coffee, if you want to call it coffee, and the fact that when I got out of work, I had a flat, everything went better than I had expected.

First day on the new job and I had my first assignment. Of course, when the ads are already built for you, it is easy to swap text or images out as needed, but I did get a new challenge. You will all get to see my handy work in the Real Estate section of the Brownsville Herald this Sunday. And yes, there is a online edition.

Needless to say, contrary to how things have been these last few months, with the isolation and abandon, the anger, the sadness, and general moodiness and depression, I am stable. I am confident. I am happy with how things have turned. This may just be the meds talking, but I don't think I would have gotten the job at the paper if I was still feeling like how I was a month ago. The heavens know that I was having a hard enough time dealing with getting up in the morning, much less having to sit through an interview with a potential employer.

I only wish I had my son here to enjoy this new found hope. He would be the only thing that would make what was a totally awesome day, into a, dare I say, more awesomer day. We shall see what the future may bring. After all, tomorrow will be a brand new day.

Friday, September 28, 2007

What A Ride





It has been a wild couple of weeks. And this ride still is not over. From being sent to a psychiatric hospital, to having my "life" taken away from me, to being given a fresh start, I have seen the very depths of hell, and I have seen the promises of paradise. One thing is for sure, this is one hell of a ride.

To recap what has happened, a couple of weeks ago I was sent to a behavioral hospital for treatment for my depression. And during my stay, my ear infection flared up, despite taking antibiotics, and my wife left me, taking my son with her. I was released, only after guaranteeing that I "have a support system in place," and the real fun began. My mom flew in from North Carolina, since she was the only one that wasn't working that I "can't be looked after," and "to make sure that I'm doing the things I need to do," 24/7. (I'M NOT SUICIDAL, PEOPLE! I'M SICK ,BUT NOT SUICIDAL!!) But none-the-less, she has been a great help to me, and aside from keeping me on this path of self-preservation, (i.e. making sure I take my meds, go to my doctor appointments, etc.), she has also reintroduced me to the path of self-awareness, a path that I have been lost from for quite some time. I feel more confident than I have in years. I now understand my limits, my needs, my wants, my vision.

I also feel more accomplished than I have in years, (no offense my wife or son). I have managed to accomplished more in two weeks, what has taken me years to contemplate. I now know what to do to start my own business. I now know who I need to talk to about getting money to start my business, without fear of being rejected. Although, after what has happened in the last two days, I now have to rethink my business idea. You see, my idea for a business was start a multimedia design firm here in town, but I just got hired as a graphic artist for the local newspaper, the Brownsville Herald, and I have a conflict of interest clause in my employment agreement. So, I can't start my business as a multimedia producer, just yet, but I might just have another ace up my sleeve.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

State Of Mind - The Broken Condition

As I try not to like a whiny little bitch who feels the world problems have decided to reside in my head, I will apologize first if I do. I could care less about sympathy, being patronized, or just being ridiculed for being a whiny little bitch. These are my problems. They are in my head, almost literally. I don't expect anyone to understand. Quite frankly, I'm used to people not understanding the conditions of depression and misunderstanding outbursts and rants such as this for someone being spoiled and just wanting to complain about their lives, like no one else has the same problems.

 

I remember one time, in high school, in American Lit, we read a short story about a boy who was afraid to go upstairs looking for his mother because he found her near lifeless body after she tried to commit suicide. This one jerk in class, and I won't name names, had the audacity to call the woman stupid because she tried to kill herself. He couldn't, or wouldn't, understand the condition, nor the affect that it has on the people close to those that suffer from it. I was so angry about this. Two years before, I tried to kill myself only to find out that I was diagnosed with major depression. I was 14 at the time.

 

15 years later, I find myself taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds just to try to keep myself from falling into the same pattern. I still have thoughts. I'm convinced that no medication can stop those. I still have a want to hurt myself, despite those that are close to me. Fortunately, I'm reminded everyday of why I can't. As Johnen Vasquez once wrote in one of his comics, "I just wish someone would turn me off and fix me ... I'm not happy."

 

What a lot of people don't understand about this condition is that this is not about feelings. There is a biochemical response that takes place every time you experience love, fear, happiness, anger, sadness. Whether it is a uptake or down take in dopamine, serotonin, adrenalin, or any number of biochemicals that affect what and how we "feel," there is a science to this. If you ever notice someone coked up usually gets happy or hyper, it's because their dopamine levels get so hiked up to the point they begin to feel this way. And when the feeling goes away, they get angry, despondent, sometimes aggressive. Their body is trying to compensate for the dramatic increase and decrease of dopamine. Why do you think they call it dope?

 

It is the same concept in depression. Levels of serotonin and sometimes other biochemicals seriously drop on their own. Sometimes there is an environmental trigger, sometimes there is not. Some people never learn to control their daily lives to achieve a level of "zen." Sometimes, that doesn't help at all. There are different reactions to this. Some people just need sleep. Some people just need to exercise. Some people regain their sanity by talking.

 

I've been there. I've done that. It worked for a while, but what happens when sleep no longer comes? What happens when you no longer have the energy to just sit up from bed? What happens when you can't will yourself to talk? Or when you don't even understand why all you want to do is cry or scream or beat the bloody crap out of something or someone, maybe even yourself? I wish I could understand why this is happening. I would love not to have to take any more meds for this, but as I have been told by numerous doctors, I will probably live the rest of my life taking meds. An Epiphany, an Epiphany, my kingdom for an Epiphany! What I wouldn't give for some self understanding right now. All I know is that I'm broken, and I want to be fixed.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Random Crap



Last night, for some god-knows-why insane reason, my wife and I were watching that singing bee show on NBC and I couldn't help but laugh. It so sad to see Joey Fatone not be able to get a real gig in the music industry since N'Sync broke up that he is hosting a kareoke game show on TV. I almost fell off of my chair I was laughing so hard. But what I find even sadder is that I know who Joey Fatone is and who he sang with. Man, I suck. But on a lighter note, I still found that funny as all hell. I usually have some witty comment to say about something like this, like how this is a statement of the pop music industry today and stuff like that, but I don't. Not right now.



So, all the while this is going on, my 2 year old son finds my digital camera and starts running around the house taking pictures. We got a lot of great pictures of his finger over the lens, and really great one of the inside of his nose. Something tells me he is either going to be a movie critic with how intense he gets into movies, or a great photographer, if we can get him to keep his finger off of the lens.



Random crap ... heh.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Welcome to my little ... corner ... of this ... thing.

So, after a commitement I made to get back on the net, a few things have come to mind: I need a blog that is more visible that the places I have been blogging and I need a solid place to get my photos, artwork, and designs that is isn't a advertising blackhole that would rather focus on getting ads up then the content of the website. So, as I continue to find my permenant home, I decided to at least set up a photo posting site as well a blogging site. (Yahoo 360 sucks, and myspace only really does so much for you)

As always, I'll continue to offer complete crap and utter nonsense, shamelessly promote my artwork and music, give up-to-date status on my mental faculties, and throw a few bones out there to friends that do some really cool things, like make films and write comic books. So, untill next time, have fun, don't drink and drive and don't forget to tip your server.

Much Peace and Love,
Izzy