History Repeating

I am reminded of an event that very well may be one of the scariest moments in my life that took place some 20 years ago. A child, my age, some 12, 13 years old, comes to school with loaded hunting rifles and held up a classroom. Although, a shot was fired in the classroom, into the ceiling, no one was injured, and it ended almost as quickly as it began. I remember being ushered into the gymnasium, a lot of scared students holding each other, and tears, as well all began to make sense of what just happened that morning. And the shock settled in for many of friends, including myself, as we found out not only did this happen in the classroom just above mine, but to one of our teachers.

Stories started flying amongst the students, faculty and staff about the child being unstable. He was rumored to be rambling on about having to finish his homework before he could watch tv, or some other such nonsense. But no one ever really understood what had happened. Why did he bring these loaded rifles to school? How did he even manage to bring them without anyone noticing? Was there some kind of sign that should have signaled us that there was something wrong? How could any of us have missed it? He was someone we knew, and generally was well liked amongst his friends. To this day, his motivations still baffle me.

The years go on, without another incident happening within our little community.

Then Columbine occurs. Two students went on a killing spree within their high school, killing 13 and injuring more. Yet, unlike what had happened in my hometown in the early 1990s, there were clear and definite signs that these young men were in trouble. Some would rationalize that the behavior of the two gunmen were influenced by violent video games, movies and other media. Others would argue that there was years of a social climate of bullying, isolation and helplessness that led to the attack. Even a post-mortem diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder and depressive disorders were introduced to “help” explain what had happened, even though all it did was raise more questions and blamed others for the incident.

In a press release concerning the Columbine Incident, musical artist Marilyn Manson states, “The [news] media has unfairly scapegoated the music industry and so-called Goth kids and has speculated, with no basis in truth, that artists like myself are in some way to blame. This tragedy was a product of ignorance, hatred and an access to guns. I hope the [news] media’s irresponsible finger-pointing doesn’t create more discrimination against kids who look different.” In Michael Moore’s film “Bowling for Columbine,” he was asked if he would talk to the students at the high school where the tragedy took place. He responded, “I wouldn’t say a single word. I would listen to what they have to say and that’s what no one did.”

On Wednesday, January 4, 2012, a 15 year old was shot and killed by police in my hometown, after bringing a weapon to school. In a comments I had posted to the local newspaper request for community thoughts, I stated that no one was asking why he had brought the weapon to school. What signs were there that would give him a reason to bring it? Was he being bullied? Was he trying to hurt someone? Like the incident twenty years ago, no one has been able to answer the question, although, police are still investigating the incident. Blame is being passed around like mints at a dinner party. Mostly, at the police officers who responded. How could the police shoot a 15 year old?

The reality is, even though it was just a CO2 pellet gun, the weapon he brought to school did in deed look like a Glock 9 mm automatic handgun. He held the weapon, reportedly, pointing it at the police, and, prior to their arrival, at least one other student. Since the event at Columbine, Police departments around the country have been trained to neutralize the suspect[s], by killing or wounding the suspect[s], to minimize the number of victims being killed or wounded. This tactic has proven very successful since the Columbine Incident, most notably the Virginia Tech Massacre. And by using this tactic, responding officers were able to protect the students, faculty and staff at this school.

My first and really most important question is, was there anyone there to listen to him? Most people, children, teenagers and adults, alike, do not just act without some form of motivation. Even if this was some form of gang related event, there is still a motivation behind this act. Why would he bring a weapon to school? Did he feel he needed to protect himself? Was he trying to hurt someone? Was he just trying to look cool and tough? Was their any indication in his behavior that might have signaled something was wrong? There are just too many unanswered questions.

The true root of this problem lies in the fact that, for whatever reason, we are not listening to these children. We either ignore the fact there is something wrong, or we are simply not listening. Like so many similar events that have occurred in the past, Columbine, Virginia Tech, University of Central Arkansas, there were signs that could have given us clues as to how to keep these events from happening. Many people have offered solutions to remedy these problems, from bringing back prayer into school and holding weekly assemblies over bullying and other such topics. But the reality is that none of these will truly work unless we take the time and interest in these young lives. If these children are stressed over something, school work, bullies, family life, whatever it may be, there are things we can do to help them overcome these stresses; help them come up with solutions, teach them how to deal with events to keep them from hurting themselves or others. They need to feel like someone is listening and truly want to help them overcome.

The true tragedy, in any event, is that a child so young needlessly lost his life. My heart goes out to the child and his family, those students and faculty at the school, and the police who responded. Maybe one day we will have the answers we so desperately need and are able to prevent a tragedy such as this from happening again.

Occupy Where?

I have seen too much in the media that confuses me, and I believe these political commentators are right about this Occupy Wall St movement. Its too confusing to know where all this is going. Although, I commend these protestors for exercising their 1st Amendment Rights to peaceably assemble in order redress grievances, just what exactly are these grievances?

I have seen a lot of photos of people posting hand written messages expelling how they are the 99%, and all make very valid points. Being foreclosed on because you owe the bank over $300,000 on a house that is worth less than $100,000? Yes, that needs to be addressed. Not being taken seriously in the job market after taking out over $100,000 in student loans for pay for an "excellent" education? Okay, you have a voice that needs to be heard. But is this seriously the corporate greed that you are protesting? I think this movement needs to take a step back and seriously think about what is going on.

Teachers all over this country are losing their jobs, or taking serious pay cuts, due to budget cuts. Meanwhile, huge corporations are planning spa weekends for their executives. Over two administrations, the government had no problem with bailing out the banks and other Wall St. businesses. At our, the taxpayer's, expense, none-the-less, these same corporations spend that bail out money for executive retreats. They would hire a new CEO with a 6 figure sign on bonus, only to let him go less than a month later, giving him a 7 figure severance package. Yet, this same government refuses to come up with that same sentiment for our teachers. Our teachers, the very same ones that teach our children who will grow up to be the next CEO, senator or president. Can someone explain to me how that works?

What about our military? The government expects these young men and women to serve a minimum of four years, promising them a paid education, medical, and god only what else. Yet, when it comes time for them to make good on these promises? "Oh, well, we'll put you on a waiting list, but there is no guarantee that it'll be there when your name comes up." Seriously? What about the injuries that these men and women incurred while serving? Is the government taking care of that? That would be a huge "no."

I once worked with a young man who served during the second Gulf War, and sustained injuries during combat. He had to quit his job just so he can apply for Medicaid just to pay for the surgery to repair the hernia and broken vertebrae he sustained, since the government "couldn't" pay for it. Seriously? How does this make sense? And his so called pension? What pension?

Meanwhile, if you are the child of a congressman or senator, your student loans are forgiven. Your education is practically free. If you have served one term as a congressman or senator, you get full pension with. That's only 4 years, but for someone who has served for 20 years in the service, their pension gets reduced, and if they served less than that, you get nothing, even if they served during wartime. Might I ask, how exactly does that work?

Just recently, a small community north of San Antonio reduced it's police force, leaving only 2 policemen, one of them, only a dispatcher, and the other, a deputy, citing fiscal reasoning. The Sheriff's Department of Cameron County is battling for collective bargaining rights, just to ensure that they don't get a dock in a pay because of budget cuts. The Fire Department of the city of Lake Charles released their contract with the city because they refused to allow the citizenry to vote whether or not they can have a pay raise. Keep in mind, they get paid less than the police force, and with the fire certification being lowered, meaning the fire hazards in the area are worse due to the chemical and oil industry found there, these men take bigger and bigger risks every time they go out to do their job. It's not just the fire but the health conditions in some of these locations. LCFD Veterans have died from nonhereditary cancers there contracted from exposure to dangerous chemicals, and they are doing this is a cut budget and reduced benefits? Please, someone explain to me how all of this works.

And with all this going on, corporate heads are threatening to fire every single employee they have working for them and allow their businesses to fail if they are forced to pay taxes. Seriously? I recall a line Tyler Durden says in the movie Fight Club. "Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us." These are the people we depend on everyday: Our teachers, our soldiers, our EMS, firefighters, policemen. And while the CEOs at the big corporations get to line their pocket books with virtually tax free money, these very people we depend on are losing their jobs, their pensions, their benefits. For the love of god, exactly how does this work? Can someone please tell me? I would really like to understand this.

Our teachers, our soldiers, our public servants: These are the 99% we should be fighting for. Whereas my heart goes out to the nurse who lost her home because she owed more than its worth, and to the McDonald's assistant manager with the masters degree in chemical engineering, I'm sorry. I truly am, but I have known too many people with Harvard degrees who have good paying jobs in the fields they have chosen to study. I have known too many people who have chosen to buy homes that fit within their budgets and chosen mortgages that wouldn't adjust rates causing a lopsided debt to worth ratio.

Something to be thankful for ...

Being given a large amount of time and a wonderful and beautiful source of inspiration, I have managed to create some art for me. As I manage to stave off emotions that I wish and hope would just go away, it feels good to be able to use my mind, much like Johnan Vasquez' character, Devi, from "I Feel Sick." I sometimes feel like my mind is going to waste and its being devoured by something otherworldly for its own devious purposes in its state of uselessness. I hate that feeling. It feel great to be able to break away from that monotonous state and actually do something creative and beautiful and freeing.


Blossoms


Gift For Leia

Ironically, I never thought I would have done faery art. Not that I don't enjoy faery-lore or the like. Quite the opposite, actually. Just, most of the artwork I create, is usually either comic art, or something slightly more "psychological" or something with a deeper or more sentimental meaning. Although, my muse did have a hand in the subject matter used with these two works of art. So, yeah, there is something a bit more personal and possibly sentimental about these two works. What I do appreciate most about creating these works is the fact that a very long dry spell has been broken. If not for the wonderful artists that helped by contributing the different elements used in these works and deviant art community we all belong to, and my muse, my inspiration, my personal distraction and love, Leia, I might very well still be in this dry spell, letting my personal demons get the best of me, taking away what creativity that I have left in this over-dramatic, self-deprecating mind of mine. And yes, I exaggerate, for a reason. I do tend to be over-dramatic at times, and, lets face it, if I begin to take myself to seriously, I might as well be boring. Who wants to be boring?

And, as usual, I have gone off on yet another tangent that has strayed me from my point. Despite my personal demons, and realizations about me and where I am and where I really want to be, I have so much to be thankful for: my creative, stubborn, fighting spirit, my art and music, and most particularly, those who have stood by me, especially when I needed them, and didn't want them, more so when I wanted them and didn't really need them. You all rock! So much of who I discovered that I am, and continue to do so, is due in part to you, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Izzy

The Cost of Being a Responisble Parent

I am a divorced father. My ex-wife and I have a good and civil relationship. Yes, we did fight at first, blamed each other for the problems we had while we were married, but we have never used our son against each other. We understood the fact that our child was important to the both of us and he should not be used as a leverage tool against each other. It is unfair of either of us to use him in such a way.

When our divorce was finalized earlier this year, I understood my responsibilities as a parent. I understand the fact that I have to pay child support. Not only is it my responsibility, but it is my right as a father to ensure that my son is being taken care, by any means necessary. I have never taken that responsibility lightly, and I call my ex-wife to ensure that has been receiving my payments, on a regular schedule. Yet, when I received a letter sent by the Office of the Attorney General, I was taken back. I have been accused of being a dead-beat father. I, supposedly, owe over $16,000 in back child support for something that dates back to years before my divorce. Regardless of how many times I have called to inquire about, or to have something done about it, I get the run around, being told that they would look into the matter. Yet, three months later, my wages are still being garnished for more money than I have to pay, on top of being reported to the credit bureaus and the Internal Revenue Service. Financially, I have been ruined more so by this matter than my actual divorce itself. My name has been slandered for a mistake that the OAG refuses to acknowledge and remedy.

For someone who values family above all else, and has taken his responsibility very seriously, I find it irresponsible for an agency who sole duty is to uphold the law and to enforce the decisions made by the courts to not only allow this to happen, but to cause such a problem and ignore the fact that they are wrong. What makes this situation even more ridiculous is the fact that my ex-wife, who is benefits from their mistakes, has gone to them, several times, with copies of our divorce decree, insisting that they fix the problem. Yet, the problem has not been fixed. I am still having my wages garnished for more money than I am supposed to pay, making it difficult for me to pay my bills. I have not received, nor will I receive, the Tax Rebate from the IRS, because I have been deemed a child support evader. I will not be able to find a reasonable place to live, since I have been reported to have an outstanding criminal debt.

It sometimes seems like I now have the stigma of being a criminal because I have to pay child support. The fact of the matter is that I am not a criminal. I should not be treated like one. The real criminals are the OAG for not only causing this mess and refusing to remedy it, but also in the fact that they made false reports about this incident. When someone calls the police and makes a false report, they get arrested for obstruction of justice or some similar charge. Yet, when the OAG makes a similar claim to not only public offices but federal ones, as well, nothing happens to them. I find this mere fact ridiculous. The OAG should not only be held responsible, but also be held liable for any damages that they have caused.

Amazing Sight

I just saw the most amazing sight. I was outside smoking a cigarette, and one of my neighbors was out walking his dogs. I thought nothing of it at first. They were walking, and about two minutes later a cat was walking, well, more like prancing down the street behind them. It first looked the cat was trying to keep her distance from the man and his dogs, but, when he returned with his dogs, the cat was walking, side by side with him and the dogs. It was the most amazing sight. Two creatures, natural enemies, walking side by side, enjoying the night air. And its not like they were all about the same size. The dogs were mastiffs. The cat, a tomcat. Yet, there they were. walking together like friends.

I think to myself, wow, to see animals, walking together with no fear, nor animosity towards each other, yet, us, the most intelligent species on this planet, and we can’t seem to get along with each other to save our own lives. We have uncovered advanced mathematics, put a monkey in space, a man on the moon, discovered ways to help control our fears and emotions, yet, we lack the intelligence to understand one another. We learned to use this intelligence to discover faster more efficient ways of killing each other. Is it that we lack the intelligence? Or the patience to deal with people who think, look, act, and are just different than ourselves? We feel the incessant need to control everything and everyone, disregarding what they think, feel, or believe. Why? I still don’t know. I don’t think I ever will.

We go on, blaming everyone for our problems, taking no responsibility for our actions. My dog ate my homework; my mom didn’t wake me up; hey, it’s not my fault, satan made me do it! He looked at me wrong, so I killed him. She called me a slut, so me and my friends beat her up. Give me a fucking break. The best one, yet. Iraq is harboring terrorists, so, we’re going to invade, take over, and put ourselves into a situation that we can’t get out of, regardless of how much we want to. We allow ourselves to be lied to, and yet all we do is blame the politician who lied to us. When we get fed up with the lies, we start to cry 1st amendment violations when we don’t follow the rules.

Don’t get me a wrong. I am a firm believer in the freedom of press, speech, and religion, and everything else the 1st Amendment grants us. And it upsets me that the Supreme Court denies these very rights to the students attending high schools! It is important that someone, particularly the young, feel safe and trusts the system that we have. The US Constitution doesn’t start with "We the People, who are of voting age." It starts with "We the people, of the United States of America." It is very all-inclusive. So, why are we denying these basic rights to high school students? The same reason that parents blame the teachers when their children are reported as behavioral problems. No one is teaching them responsibility. No one understands the basic principle that with great freedom, comes great responsibility. We need to understand that our actions affect everyone around us. What we say, what we do, how we act; we are not machines programmed to ignore ill-willed actions or comments. Yes, we need to stand up for what we believe. Yes, we need to say what we feel is wrong. Yes, we need to act against those who threaten us. But what we say and do will have a greater impact than most can foresee.

Every action has a equal and opposite reaction. Newton’s Law. It can be applied to more than just physics. But it can also be manipulated. By controlling how we think, what we say, how we act, and ultimately react, we can contort, twist, and form any situation into something that mutually favorable for everyone involved. By teaching understanding and responsibility, we not only teach someone to be a "model citizen," but we also teach them compassion. We teach them that ideas are not dangerous, regardless of what the people without them say. We teach them that resistance is healthy, revolution is necessary. Not a revolution of arms, but of ideas. Once we stop resisting, we stop thinking. We might as well give into the lies they feed us to shut us up. We might as well not bother seeing past the smoke and mirrors, as they prominently put on stage show for out entertainment. The moment we stop being angry, the moment we stop feeling.

Peaceful monks day, everyday it seems, for the freedom to practice the compassion and "good" feelings their teacher taught them. Yet, in another part of the world, soldiers die for lies their leaders told them to believe. Students die for protesting ideas their government force on them, while other students get beat up for calling fellow classmates for making disparaging comments. We have grown to take our freedoms for granted, either giving it away as though they did not matter, or using it as a phrase to hide behind. We have a right to question, we have a right to rebel, we have a right to resist. But we must remember that what we do affects everyone around us and we have to understand how that impacts everything we do.

OK, I think I need to get off of my soapbox now. I’m starting to lose my train of through.

Life is not meaningless

I lost two of my cats earlier today. One of them, Winter, I buried her sister last year. The other was Caly's son, Artemis. I wish I could say that I felt the same as when I found Caly's lifeless body. Yes, I was sad. I cried. I raised these two cats since they were kittens. They were my children.

But I was also angry. I kept on thinking about how they died. They were attacked by another animal. A dog, from the size of the wounds. I was so angry about how people blissfully neglect their animals to let them run loose, whenever, how ever, no restraints, no leash, nothing. And to make matters worse, they don't even care to train their animal.

Yes, I can understand the need for a guard dog, but you know what? Guard dogs are trained to do what they do. I obey commands, they do what their handler tells them to do. They don't just run off whenever they want to run off and cause havoc, because they can. People need to be held responsible for the actions of their pets. They are a lot like children, that need to be trained and nurtured and disciplined, so that they act responsibly at all times. If they can't or won't be held responsible enough to train their dogs to act properly, then they should own dogs.

I had a dog, Lobo, who, yes I admit, was a bit rambunctious, but he was well behaved. The only time he ever growled at anyone was when my son was outside and someone he didn't know was in the same area that my son was. He was very protective of my son, but he never bit anyone, or hurt anyone. Why? Because I would train my dog to behave. He sat when he was told to sit. He wouldn't move when he was told to stay. He was well behaved because we took the time to train him.

Sure, he was hand-full. When I would take out for walks, he had a tendency to run, but he was a puppy. It took a lot to make him understand that there were things that he could and couldn't do.

But he learned.

Not a day goes by, that I hear about some kid, a jogger, or some other poor bastard that gets attacked by a dog just because they got too close to them. Or that I hear about some Michael Vick wannabe gets chewed to death by the very animal that they are training to fight. Or gets sued because their dog hurts someone. What the f*ck do you expect? You have a poorly socialized creature that thinks that this is acceptable behavior! You create a monster, and expect to be blameless?! You allow this animal to act the way he does and not expect some kind of repercussion?! What are you a f*ckin' idiot?! This can be easily equated with leaving a loaded gun in a child reach and then expecting not to be blamed when the poor bastard shoots someone. What the hell do expect is going to happen?!

It angers me to know that there are people who so thoughtless to the fact that life, regardless of who's it is, that would they allow something like this to happen. Life is not meaningless. Life is precious. We need to appreciate the fact that it doesn't matter if that life is four legged and barely a foot off of the ground, of two legged and as tall as 7 ft, life is precious.

Seed Planter

Although this may seem like a homage to a very good friend of mine, considering he is known as Seed Planter, this is really about two lessons he tried to teach me. The thing about Seed Planter is that, for a while, he never understood why he was the seed planter. He always thought of himself as a really good story teller. While I won't deny him that, because he is an awesome story teller, but I realize why he is the seed planter. He was able to explain things about the Universe, the Great Beyond, and life in general through story, much like how are "Native American" ancestors taught their young. He is indeed the Seed Planter by instilling wisdom of the ages through what he does best; telling a great story.

I was recently thinking about this after a conversation with one of my best friends who stated that we, in this day and age have no real philosophers, much like those of Ancient Greece. We only have people who talk about philosophers. I pointed out someone who is very influential in a lot of people's lives; the Dali Lama.

Yet, I also remembered a story that Seed Planter once told me about how a young eagle was hunting for his food and spots a running jack rabbit out in a open field. Now this eagle is thinking "there is my dinner. I must catch him before I starve." And off into the sky he rises and quickly goes into a dive after the rabbit. The rabbit sees his fate and runs as quickly as he can into the nearest form of shelter. The young eagle misses his prey and flies back to his perch to find another source of food. He accepts the fact that this rabbit was too fast for him and moves on to find something else, hopefully easier, to catch.

Quite a simple a story, if you think about it. Not much to it, but it is easy to understand the moral of this story. Something else that Seed Planter gave to me was an anecdote from Carlos Castaneda. This one is a bit more down to earth, in a manner of speaking.

You see, Carlos and Don Juan were walking through the desert on one of their journeys. This was a lifeless desert where water, much less vegetation of any kind, was no where to be seen. They have been walking for days with no shade from the sun, just walking and walking. They walked past a mountain ridge where out of nowhere, a giant tree stood, with bright green leaves and branches that seemed to stretch out for miles. Carlos stood in shock. He couldn't believe nor understand how this tree was able to survive out in a lifeless desert. He went on and on about how they have been traveling for days and seen no sign of life, no water, not even a dry arroyo, and yet, here stood this magnificent tree.

"How could this be?" asks Carlos.

"Pues pendejo, it's for shade!" replied Don Juan, as he sat under the tree and fell asleep.

We often find ourselves rationalizing and questioning things that doesn't come easily explained, and more often than not, things that are, that we often overlook the obvious. We fail to accept that things happen, despite how or why we believe they should happen. To put into more modern terms, this is a prime example of Occam's Razor: the simplest solution is often the right one. Although, this is not exactly what William of Ockham quite meant by this, it is the best way to explain this in modern terms. Once you see past the glitz and glamour of the outer reality, inner perception kicks in and we understand that once we accept what we see, understanding it is inevitable. Like the eagle who failed to catch his meal, he didn't cry and moan about not catching that rabbit. He accepted it as his reality and moved on to something else that he could catch.

These were lessons that were taught to me many years ago, though unfortunately, it took me quite some time to fully understand. I thank Seed Planter for telling me these stories, for now, they helped to put me on the path that I am not walking on.